Invisible Things
Can you spot the bully in this photo?
Psychological abuse and workplace bullying are usually invisible to others. This is what people who’ve not been bullied or abused don’t get. This is why team leaders, HR people, police and family court lawyers are no help to a survivor.
If you went to a doctor and said, “I have a pain in my leg”, they are unlikely to respond with, “No you don’t”. It would be ludicrous. But that is the response we get when we tell others we are the victim of workplace bullies or intimate partner psychological abuse.
People know when they are the victim of covert bullying and abuse.
Bullying and psychological abuse are all about the absence of things, rather than the presence of things.
In early childhood, the absence of care, attention, love and affection can cause deep attachment wounds.
In adolescence, the absence of guidance, support, education and discussion around difficult subjects can have lifelong repercussions.
In intimate relationships, the absence of honesty, fidelity, shared values and aims, respect or equality can be what leads us straight into relationship breakdown.
At work, the absence of clear guidelines, autonomy, feedback or training, conflict resolution, organisational justice and fairness can cause unnecessary stress and rupture.
It is these absences that are so difficult to pinpoint and articulate for the survivor. They don’t show up as cold, hard evidence that can be used to illustrate the situation to an external mediator.
This is why wise people the world over share the same refrain: “Believe them”. Because bullying abusers are skilful in hiding the truth, covering over their abusive tactics, getting people with power onside and ensuring the blame falls elsewhere.
Those are the simple invisible dynamics in relational abuse and workplace bullying. This is why we still ask women not to walk alone at night, and to keep their drinks covered in nightclubs. This is why Narcissistic Abuse forums are filled with descriptions of “red flags” and how to recognise covert manipulation and gaslighting. This is why someone invented the Lie Detector.
The odds are stacked against we victim-survivors.
And that is why the gentle restorative practices of mindfulness interventions are so effective for recovery. Because we learn to let go – again and again – of the story of injustice and betrayal, and refocus – again and again- on the actual sensation that diabolical harm leaves in our bodies. We treat the symptom because the cause is too big and complex for us to fight alone.
We take the job of healing into our own hearts and minds. We get behind the steering wheel of our own lives and take back the power that was robbed of us.
We learn to shape our lives (and neural pathways) towards the life we want to lead and away from the inevitable harms that life throws onto the path of every human life.
We come to accept that suffering is a part of life, that much of our own suffering is in our unskilful reactions to painful experiences. We learn to live with “I don’t know” and “I don’t know why”, and to move forward step by tiny step in the presence of pain and paradox.
We learn to be present with ourselves. We learn to come home to ourselves.
©Nicki Paull 2022
