Workplace Bullying
Why Does Re-Victimisation Happen? - A Theory on Narcissism in the Workplace
Many victims of bullying and abuse experience bullying and abuse over and over again throughout their lives.
We know from old psychology experiments that ordinary people can spot the ‘victim’ in a line-up of strangers walking down a corridor. I have no background in the study of Victimology associated with Criminology, but I have enough lived experience to have my own theory.
I can tell you that it is only as a result of treating victims of bullying and abuse in my own clinical experience that I am now able to see a complete reframing of the whole victimology debate that’s out there in the public sphere.
Nature’s predators – and people with many narcissistic traits – don’t pick on victims only because they are the wounded gazelle limping behind the rest of the herd. High-functioning toxic people feel threatened when they are confronted with someone who has innate Personal Power. Human predators are driven by a huge urge for POWER OVER others.
Yes, in the past I’ve gone with the narrative that narcabuse victims are chosen because they have something the predator wants. This is true. But in a workplace context, where toxic bully and target come together not by choice – the shift in context requires a shift in perspective too.
Almost without exception, the people who come to me needing to recover from bullying and abuse are the best quality people you could ever hope to meet. They are often highly intelligent, highly attractive, highly productive and efficient – A-Types, many of them. But narcissistic abuse can level them to a confused, grovelling mess asking how anyone could every do this to someone they purport to love.
The next question is, is this bullying abuser deliberately trying to destroy me?
And the rather sad, but true answer most often is…..YES.
The motivation of workplace bullies, usually hidden behind a sophisticated veil of apparent agreeableness and gregariousness, is to have power OVER other people. That’s why there are so many of these types in Senior Management positions across the world. Well, that, and the fact that when their bullying is called out – which is not very often – they tend to get promoted sideways or upwards as a cheap way out of a complicated HR problem. Most often, it is the target of bullying or the whistle-blower who loses their job or is forced to resign.
I’ve been repeatedly bullied at work. I’m sure many of my readers have too. It’s only now that my youth and beauty have faded, and I’ve been broken and put back together stronger than before that I can see this issue through a new lens.
When Personal Power comes up against Positional Power, and the person with the Positional Power has many narcissistic traits, the drive to diminish the Personal Power of the other becomes almost an obsession – which is subsequently why the target of bullying feels targeted – because they are!
People around the Bully with lesser Personal Power are more likely to subordinate themselves, make themselves smaller, reduce their productivity, creativity, visibility within the organisation than suffer being targeted for a massive take-down by the Bully with Positional Power.
In any case, when a bully with Positional Power is in charge they slowly create a toxic and psychosocially unsafe workplace, where loyalty to the bully becomes more important than any other workplace objective.
Pandering to the personal whims of the bully – their likes and dislikes – becomes more important than producing innovative, creative or skilful work. Most people choose to see nothing, say nothing and do nothing in response.
A workplace bully with Positional Power erodes trust, confidence, motivation and self-esteem in those they force into subordination. A hierarchical organisational structure then supports and empowers this environment. If the toxic person has the final say over everything via micromanaging the output of his/her subordinates then the quality of work inevitably suffers.
Collaborative work environments, on the other hand, foster productivity, creativity, engagement, and accomplishment – leading to a workforce who are motivated and productive.
So if you are one of those many people who have been bullied again and again in workplaces, it’s not because you are a weak ,‘victim’, co-dependent, Stockholm Syndrome type.
It could be precisely the opposite.
It could be because you are powerful and strong, yet gentle and empathetic. It might not be about your weak boundaries and over-sensitivity, but about your honesty and courage in the face of toxic behaviours and environments.
It could be about your valuable personal strengths, like honesty even when this has poor repercussions for you personally. Or courage in standing up to a bully, instead of figuring out manipulative covert ways of ‘up-managing’ just to get things done.
It could be that you are a person driven by powerful values of integrity, justice, fairness and inter-connectedness. It could be that you contribute to a workplace environment where communication should be honest, open and about accountability more than blame.
It could be that your Personal Power is just so threatening to the person with Positional Power that bringing you down a notch or two becomes more important to them than psychosocial safety , productivity, leadership or teamwork.
The roadblocks they put on your work, the unreasonable demands to change it or re-do it– “this time with less pink” – the credit they take for achievements that are actually yours, the shit they dump on you in triangulated communications with their own team leaders – it’s not about how weak, emotional or sensitive you are. It’s actually about your innate human power and their innate human need to have power over others.
Recognise that innate power in you! Take your focus off the story of toxic workplaces that keep showing up in your life, and use that innate power to move forward to the next place….and the next….where someone might finally value and recognise the power in gentleness over domination, collaboration over “do what the boss says”, whole organisation feedback over “nobody can question management”.
You, victim of bullying and abuse – are one of nature’s heroes!
Postscript:
And then of course, there’s this…..if you back a sweet-natured, even-tempered Toy Poodle into a corner in the ring with a Bull Terrier, the Poodle will fight for it’s life, even though it will lose every time!!!
Go The Poodle!!
