Why Recovery Environment is So Important
In eastern philosophical traditions, such a Taoism and Buddhism, it is deeply understood that a person’s self-identity is a complex construction arising out of “a myriad of co-occurring states that influence their present being”. (Skarp, 2012 in Pelling & Armstrong [Eds.], 2024). Put another way, it is the causes and conditions that surround and influence us that help construct the beliefs and opinions we hold to be true - about ourselves and the world we inhabit.
How does this relate directly to narcissistic abuse or coercive control recovery? Well, here goes…..
Targets of pathological relational abuse often come out the other end of that experience suffering a serious existential crisis. They can feel they don’t know which way is up anymore. They can question who they really are and worry unduly about who other people think they are. Because they are coming out of an environment where someone they loved, trusted or respected had them hooked into a drip-feed that told them they were always the problem (never the narcissist themselves).
Pathological relationships can make a person believe they are the worst version of themselves!
Causes
They’ve been gaslit, lied to, lied about, conned, stolen from for however long the narcissistic person was in their environment. Whether that environment was the workplace, a church, an intimate relationship or a family. Toxic individuals have complex conscious and unconscious strategies for:
avoiding blame,
getting what they want, and
always being seen to be right.
They are much more complex and cunning than the same strategies formed by neurotypical or neurodiverse people.
Conditions
So, in recovery, a target’s close attention to all the causes and conditions surrounding them - the influences they are choosing to have in their lives - can make a big difference. Arguably equally as important as our food diet, things like the groups, clubs, social media, families, communities we belong to deserve our attention.
For example, survivors could ask themselves; “am I coming into regular contact with other kinds of bullies, or entitled, aggressive, competitive people and do I feel strong enough to cope with that right now?” Or “am I scrolling through messaging that is making me feel scared, inadequate, hopeless or helpless?” Or “if I can’t tolerate the language or culture in places where I once took those behaviours as ‘just the way things are’, then what am I going to do about it? Call it out? Try to change the way others behave? Dob them in? Leave?”
What Is In Our Control?
One of the hardest lessons I repeatedly see survivors learn is that we usually can’t convince other people to change their behaviour. Survivors have often stayed too long, wishing and hoping and praying that the person they love, respect or trust will see the error of their ways and change. A recognition that such hope is futile with a pathological level ego can lead to a recognition that it’s futile with almost every human being!
We can’t change others; we can only change the way we relate to others - and who and what we choose to be around.
Back to where this article started, I’d encourage every victim-survivor to do a stocktake of all the current influences in their lives, at the same time as thinking about what conditions they would really like moving forward. The only risk I see in building those inventories is succumbing to the brain’s natural negative bias and over-thinking or over-focussing on the problems, rather than the imagined solutions.
What We Focus On Shapes Our Experience
Because another piece of wisdom emerging from Eastern traditions is that whatever pre-occupies the mind in thought will dominate our emotional state. The Buddha, for example, is quoted as saying “Whatever one frequently thinks and ponders upon, that will become the inclination of his mind.” (Thanissaro Bhikkhu, 1997). In other words, if we spend all our time in worrying about risk, we’ll mostly experience hypervigilance or anxiety. If we allow the mind to drag us into regrets over having cast pearls before swine, we’ll feel bad a lot of the time.
So, what could be better for us than training ourselves to focus on the present moment once we’re in a safe enough place?
It is in this moment, where we have chosen where we are, chosen who we’re with, and chosen what we see, hear, touch, taste, smell and think about that we find peace. Our own unique recipe for peace.
©Nicki Paull
References
Pelling, N., & Armstrong, P. (2024). The practice of clinical and counselling supervision: Australian and international applications. Taylor & Francis.
Robbins, M. (2024). The let them theory: A life-changing tool that millions of people can't stop talking about. Hay House.
The Dhammapada: The Buddha's path of wisdom. Access to Insight. (1996). Acharya Buddharakkhita. [Trans.]. https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/dhp/dhp.intro.budd.html
Dvedhavitakka Sutta: Two sorts of thinking. (1997). Thanissaro Bhikkhu. [Trans.]. Access to Insight. https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/mn/mn.019.than.html
