Communicating with a Highly Narcissistic Person

Jan 7

Woman frustrated by trying to communicate with a narcissist

Narcissistic people are highly self-centred and lacking in empathy. Communicating effectively is a challenge. Most therapists will recommend the ‘no contact’ method of handling narcissists as the safest possible way. But what of those situations where ongoing contact is necessary or preferred? Emotional distance is key. Let me unpack this a bit.

Non-Reactive Communication

You might have heard of the value of “I” statements. Psychologists call this “assertive communication”. However – and this is a big ‘however’ – nothing loses a narcissistic person’s interest faster than an “I” statement! They are only interested in their own “I”, not yours. What is really needed is “non-reactive communication”.

Narcissists cannot tolerate the experience of shame. This means that over time, they have developed a sophisticated personality strategy so that they never have to feel shame. (And let’s face it, shame feels like crap!). That strategy includes deflecting blame onto others, denial (as in, the internal unconscious process of denying painful reality), and reverse attribution (shaming the person they have wronged by accusing them of precisely their own behaviours).

Emotional Distance is Key

The real defence lies in creating and maintaining a safe emotional distance. Put another way – avoiding emotional engagement. This sounds simple enough. But highly narcissistic people love to bait others by provoking defensiveness. And isn’t defensiveness one of the hardest things to overcome in life? For some of us, anyway…

We naturally want to defend ourselves if we are attacked, scapegoated, lied about, mocked, humiliated or mobbed (group disapproval or attack). If you are an open or honest person who ‘wears their heart on their sleeve’, this likely means you’ve shared some of your vulnerabilities at some time. Narcissists have no hesitation is using those vulnerabilities against you.

There’s that long list of ‘hot buttons’ that so many of us experience (eg., body image, parenting anxiety, job performance anxiety, ‘not good enough’ story). We can teach ourselves not to take the bait, hook, line and sinker, time after time after time! Spot the goading, treat it as a skirmish (not the end of the world) and walk away when you’ve had enough little injuries…. the little injuries are inevitable with a narcissist.

By noticing the things that trigger us (spirals of self-doubt, self-blame or self-loathing), we can bring that awareness into every interaction. Mindfulness training can help with this. If you’re slow to process social interactions, then take the time you need alone for kind and curious reflection on what just happened – zoom out and focus on the overall theme of the story, and the tactics used against you, not on the content (words).

Word Salad

Narcissistic deflectors-of-blame also tend to use what the bloggers call “word salads”. This is information that bears no relation whatsoever to the topic under discussion. Irrelevant stories. Playing the victim. Long lists of your errors. Twisting of the facts. Re-writing of history, and why you’re remembering it wrong (gaslighting). Evidence as to why you’re crazy, exaggerating or over-reacting (also gaslighting). Learn to spot this for what it is – filibustering.

We also like to find logical solutions to problems. But logic doesn’t work with narcissists. Their version of logic is, ‘anything that is good for me is good’. Logic is no defence against the fantasy world in a narcissistic person’s mind. Give up trying to grasp their worldview. Give up trying to reason with them. Get comfortable with “I don’t know” as an answer.

Pick Your Battles

Lastly, alongside emotional detachment is the necessity of picking your battles. As the narcissist senses your emotional withdrawal, they will double down on baiting, filibustering and blame. Anything to get an emotional reaction out of you. It’s simply not possible to fight every skirmish they lay at your feet. Figure out what really matters to you, what you really need right now, and just focus on that thing.

Get help. And remember, almost nobody really gets this stuff. If you seek out a professional, ask them on your enquiry call if they have a deep understanding of narcissistic abuse or can refer you to someone who does. Communicating with a narcissist is a whole new skill!

Key points:

· Pick your battles

· Keep your emotional distance

· Stay grounded and aware when speaking with a narcissist

· Be extremely discreet about sharing personal information

· Learn the art of self-compassion to handle the hurtful, cruel and false accusations, false flattery or threats

· Learn how to keep schtum, not respond, walk away, leave the bombardment

· Don’t believe most of what you hear – lying and gaslighting are second-nature to them

· Give up believing they will change if you could just get them to see reason/logic

Saunders Lane, S. L. (2020). “Is It Me? Am I Losing My Mind?” Living with Intimate Male Partners Presenting With Subjective Narcissistic Behaviours and Attitudes [Unpublished master's thesis]. University of Manitoba.