What is ‘normal’ anyway?
Image vy Naassom Azevedo
In a world that constantly bombards us with images of supposed "ideal" personalities and lifestyles, it's easy to feel like we fall short. We might question whether our personalities are "normal" or whether we fit into society's narrow definition of what is acceptable. But let's take a step back and breathe a sigh of relief. In this article, we're going to explore the concept of a "normal" personality and why it's time to accept your unique self just as you are.
What Is a Normal Personality?
First things first, let's debunk the myth of a "normal" personality. We all have different strengths, weaknesses, quirks, and idiosyncrasies that make us who we are. Psychologists might call us ‘neurotypical’ or ‘neurodiverse’, but human differences span the whole spectrum of possible human qualities.
Personality is not a one-size-fits-all concept; it's a dynamic and ever-evolving part of our identity. It encompasses a wide range of traits, behaviours, and characteristics, and it can change over time due to various factors like life experiences, personal growth, and maturation.
Our personalities are not set in stone, as we might have come to believe. In fact, our personalities morph and change and we are in a constant state of flux. Yes, some traits remain, but we do have agency in how we evolve over time. We are verbs, not nouns! Or put another way, we can choose which seeds in our character we tend and nourish and which we root out like weeds in a garden.
Variety is the Spice of Life
Imagine a world where everyone had the same personality traits and preferences. It would be a monotonous and uninteresting place. The beauty of humanity lies in its diversity. Our differences bring depth and richness to our relationships, our communities, and our societies.
No person is all good or all bad, including the people who have harmed us. What distinguishes us from the Dark Personalities is the extent to which we feel empathy for ourselves and others. It is this human empathy that constrains our behaviour according to the cultural norms around us, and drives the fact of our human interdependence.
Accepting Your Unique Self
Embracing your unique personality is a powerful act of self-love and self-acceptance. It's about acknowledging our strengths and weaknesses and recognizing that we don't have to conform to someone else's idea of "normal". You are a complex individual, and that's something to celebrate.
Run-ins with bullies in the workplace, or narcissists in traumatic love relationships can plant seeds of self-doubt that can be hard to weed out, but it can be done. A return to being the person you want to be and showing up as your authentic self is absolutely possible. The key lies in radical acceptance of ourselves just as we are, ‘warts and all’.
Here are a few tips to help you fully accept and love your personality:
Self-awareness: Take the time to get to know yourself. Reflect on your values, interests, and what makes you tick. Understanding yourself better can help you appreciate your uniqueness.
Embrace your quirks: Those little eccentricities that make you, well, you? They're what set you apart from the crowd. Embrace them, and don't be afraid to let your true self shine.
Avoid comparisons: It's tempting to compare yourself to others, but remember that everyone has their own path and their own unique personality. Focus on your journey, not someone else's.
Seek support: Surround yourself with people who appreciate and love you for who you are. A supportive network can provide a safe space to be your authentic self.
Image by Martijn Vonk
What do the Personality Theorists Say?
Awareness of self as unique
Maintaining healthy boundaries
Accurate self-assessment
Tolerating and regulating full range of emotion
Reasonable goal setting
Appropriate behavioural standards
Make meaning of experiences
Accurately understand motives and experiences of others
Comprehend other people's perspectives (regardless of disagreement)
Self-reflective capacity
Maintenance of multiple enduring relationships (intimate, personal, community)
Desire for close and reciprocal relationships
Cooperation and flexibility in response to emotions, behaviours and ideas
[Dr Ramani Durvasula, 2023. PESI.]
Where to Start After Trauma?
As we recover our sense of ourselves after trauma, we could start with three important existential recoveries:
1. A belief in a benevolent world
2. A belief that our life has meaning and purpose
3. A belief that we ourselves are worthy
Our differences are what make us extraordinary, and they should be celebrated, not hidden away. As much as we might feel warped and confused after bullying or narcissistic abuse, once we escape the malign influence of the narcissist, we can restore our purpose and equilibrium. With Self-Compassion training, we learn to embrace our unique selves with open arms, and remember that we are enough just as we are.
©Nicki Paull. 2023.
