Is it Really Me That is the Narcissist?

Dec 9

bleak image of woman in mirror worrying if she is the narcissist

The Phenomenon of Survivor Selfishness.

There is a stage I have witnessed in many a survivor’s journey that includes deep self-reflection or even angst over the labels of ‘narcissist’ or ‘co-dependent’. The habit of self-blame can develop very easily when closely associated with either a vulnerable or grandiose narcissist (because they persistently push blame onto others).

If this is happening to you, then let me make a simple counter-argument. If you are self-reflecting, willing to be accountable, ever willing to apologise, atone and adjust then you are NOT a narcissist!

Or put another way, one – or even two – ‘toxic’ human behaviours do not equal a personality disorder!

Any one of us might be capable of narcissistic behaviours from time to time – particularly during the “lick my own wounds” stage of recovery. When attacked, an animal might run away, find a safe place to tend to its wounds, become mistrustful or fearful of others, and snarly when approached. Familiar?

Embarking on deep healing, survivors can enter a stage of extreme self-focus, unwilling to take more criticism on board (with so much victim-blaming around), forced into low self-worth, fear, mistrust and resistant to fawning (people-pleasing) behaviours they might previously have adopted as a coping mechanism against the entitled rage of a narcissistic other.

Overcompensation

It is easy to compensate for fawning by a 180° swing into defensive self-righteousness, grief-driven anger, and mistrustful avoidance of others through self-isolation. All of those trauma-driven responses can look like grandiosity or narcissistic hypersensitivity, leading to the question, is it really me that is the narcissist?

This is a state, not a trait. It is a stage of recovery that Dr Ramani Durvusala named as “survivor selfishness”. I completely agree with her. In Western Psychology terms, a trait is enduring and persistent, whereas a state is situational and fluctuating.

If this is you, then what you are experiencing is understandable and totally okay! It will pass! It’s wholly uncomfortable, to say the least, and can have us feeling like we don’t even recognise ourselves anymore. It’s just not who we are, or want to be.

A re-acquaintance with our deep core beliefs and the values that drive our life will give us a start on the roadmap out of trauma from a relationship with a pathological narcissist.

If we have tendencies that some psychologists might claim describe ‘co-dependency’, such as needing validation and approval from others in order to feel okay about ourselves – this is just a habit-of-mind, and can be overcome by learning how to give ourselves self-compassion, validation and approval. This is not a binary equation. There is a middle way between self-victimisation and grandiosity!

Antidotes

In answer to the article link posted below; the antidote to control is acceptance, the antidote to blame is accountability, the antidote to superiority or entitlement is a greater awareness of interdependence over individualism, the antidote to manipulation is to renounce any tendencies towards martyrdom or emotional blackmail.

Whilst is may be possible for two narcissistic individuals to be in intimate relationship, it is extremely unlikely (sorry, I have no research to back this up!). Just think about it….That old trope that couples are 50%/50% responsible for relationship breakdown should not weigh too heavily on survivors of narcissistic abuse. Narcissists are inherently exploitative. It’s in their nature.

In time, we come to understand that the ways we played into the narcissist’s rules were understandable, given the whirlwind of chaos and unstable ground on which the relationship was founded after the love-bombing stage. It was our own ability to love deeply that trapped us in the nightmare.

How good will it be when you learn to turn that enduring love inwards and give it to yourself as you did to the unworthy recipient who conned you into loving them?

https://www.simplypsychology.org/am-i-narcissistic-or-the-victim.html