The Black Sheep
Do you relate to the term, “Black Sheep of the Family”? I do too.
Like ‘Jeanette’, over the years, her family-of-origin did everything they possibly could to prevent her from expressing her opinions. She was the youngest by a mile. In her family, one unwritten rule was, “don’t mention the war”. By this, I mean that any subject that was likely to invite a number of differing views was to be avoided at all costs. Additionally, central to her household was a self-centred narcissistic mother who literally viewed differing opinions, illness, or falling short of her standards as a deliberate act designed to inconvenience or distress her.
As a result, crucial learning opportunities were missed, and Jeanette was forced to ‘parent’ herself by searching for answers to important questions amongst her peers or elders outside the family.
Her siblings mostly conformed with the values and opinions of her parents. But somehow, she was always at odds with these from a very young age.
Jeanette’s experience of unengaged parenting and poor familial communication is anything but unique. Many people grow up as “the black sheep” of the family because they have learned differently to their parents or siblings. Nowadays, this gap in family communications is usually filled by the internet.
Such instances of missed opportunities for growth and maturity might be:
· childish attitudes to social etiquette, bullying, right and wrong, study, sport, religion or creative pursuits;
· adolescent quandaries about gender, physical development or sex;
· young adult decisions about drugs, alcohol, life path or peer group;
· adult issues around pregnancy, childbirth, partnership, parenting, career or financial matters;
· and all the big existential questions like purpose in life, ethics, politics and morality.
Not all counselling or therapy involves unpacking the way we were raised or our early childhood. Sometimes clients just need help in making a decision or finding more balance in their lives. My counselling philosophy is based on the belief that we are all the experts in our own lives, but that sometimes we need someone to help us organise our thinking or give us new skills for coping.
If it is our own behaviour that we wish to change – for example, being easily triggered into fear or anger – then looking a bit deeper into how we learned and what we learned so far in life can be extremely helpful. It can help us figure out why we are the way we are. Then, it is much easier to bring about the changes we want. By identifying our ‘”triggers”, we can then “re-parent” ourselves. We can become the person we really want to be – with time and patience. That is why counselling might involve more than one session – it takes as long as it takes.
It is a privilege to walk alongside my clients as they take a journey of growth, however long it takes.
© Nicki Paull
“…orphan, black sheep, outsider, dissident, scapegoat, weirdo, homeless, beggar, misfit. By whatever name, the outcast plays an important role in mythology and life.
In every family, and in many folk tales, there is a designated black sheep. This outsider carries the shadow projection for the whole group. In their collective rejection of him or her, the black sheep is a uniting force. In other words, they become the carrier of the rejected, undiscovered and forgotten pieces of the family story and, by living in their own way, the black sheep is often responsible for bringing the family into consciousness.
But as heroic as that may sound, it is a lonely, difficult path. Whether by abandonment or choice, being estranged from or without family puts unbelonging at the foundation of our lives. A feeling of homelessness can live like a persistent condition in the psyche, colouring everything we do.”
