Complicated Emotions With Grief & Loss

The term, Complicated Grief implies that there must be such a thing as simple grief. Whilst no grief is simple and there are as many ways of grieving as there are mourners, some grief can involve loss which is life changing and devastating.  The survivor can be stigmatised, as well as stigmatising themselves. Because our conditioned cultural approach to grief is based in stoicism, the grieving individual can experience internalised pressure to respond in a certain way. This pressure might force the grieving person to suppress or deny their feelings, which can have debilitating effects on the body as well as the mind.

When the loss is sudden, unexpected, abusive or traumatic, grief can be pervasive and all consuming, tipping the mourner into overwhelming strong emotions that they feel helpless to control. It can feel like drowning, and is indeed termed ‘flooding’ in psychology. Right when the grief is fresh and raw, and the survivor needs to be heard, validated, and their unique way of grieving allowed, they can find that they are shamed for what are normal and natural reactions to loss. They can be praised for suppressing or hiding their true feelings and made to feel ashamed for displays of denial, anger, regret and resentment, or for ‘not getting over it’.

When an abusive relationship ends, the survivor is most often left with extremely complicated emotions. What starts as complicated grief can turn into complicated PTSD if the survivor doesn’t get the right kind of support.

The loss in manipulative exploitative relationships is usually much greater than the loss of a typical break up. Frequently, the survivor has been coerced during the relationship to give up friends, family, profession, life savings, home or country or tricked into debt or other over-commitments based on false promises by the lost abuser. There can also be a loss of innocence, understanding of human nature and world view, long held dreams, hopes and beliefs, spirituality and visions of the future. Sadistic abusers gain gratuitous pleasure from completely undermining their targets such that they are left with nothing and no one to support and understand them. It is really no wonder that survivors experience overwhelming and complicated emotions from loss.

But complicated grief can arise out of many kinds of loss. Complicated grief can include these indicators:

·       Hypersensitivity to experiences of separation and loss, cruelty, abuse, manipulation or dishonesty.

·       Hyperarousal and hyperactivity in an attempt to suppress anxiety arising from loss issues.

·       Anxiety at the prospect of further loss (home, finances, social and professional support, jobs, visas).

·       Prolonged, excessive and persistent intrusive thoughts about the loved one, (complicated by the Dr Jekyl/ Mr Hyde nature of abusers).

·       Engaging in self-sabotaging relationships after the break up.

·       Prolonged lack of emotional expressions, such as numbness, dissociation, lack of feeling or not being able to cry.

·       Self-destructive behaviour such as excessive use of drugs, food or alcohol; or gambling and risk taking behaviours.

·       Prolonged depressive symptoms such as anger, irritability and hopelessness.

·       Social disengagement, anxiety and self-isolation.

·       Cognitive impairment, such as brain fog, confusion, shortened attention span, memory dysfunction, preoccupation and rumination.

·       Physical difficulties, such as loss of appetite, sleep disturbances or new and unusual aches and pains.

It is not only the traumatic relationship loss that survivors are processing, but all the circumstances surrounding the loss which can lead to emotional turmoil.

Perhaps the most distressing grief symptoms are those that arise as a result of past experience. For example, victims of adult abuse may have abusive childhood memories. These memories can resurface when loss strikes and the survivor can feel as if they are grieving not one but two or more experiences of loss at the same time.

Grief and loss recovery is not a linear process, as purported by older theories such as that of Elizabeth Kübler Ross. The idea that there are ‘stages of grief’ no longer really holds water in therapeutic circles. The idea of closure being something the survivor has to find in order to move on is also an outdated theory. Closure is not always possible and some grief can be with a survivor for life. Whilst none of us wants to be that person who ‘never gets over it’, there is certain liberation in accepting that grief and loss is something that can be integrated and carried in the memory without acute discomfort forever.

Compassion-focused counselling can provide the safe space in which survivors can talk about and process their grief and loss; while some survivors might prefer a solution-focused approach that helps them deal with logistical and practical restoration. A skilled counsellor can offer supported techniques from a variety of psychological disciplines, or refer deeply traumatised patients to psychologists or psychiatrists.

Every individual has a unique response to grief and loss, and I aim to meet you where you are. The enormity of your loss will be affirmed, validated and supported. And should you choose me as your professional companion, I will walk alongside you for however long it takes you to percolate and integrate your complicated emotions.

© Nicki Paull