People Change
There are any number of cliches in our culture that describe the human condition in a way that is not accurate, but which many of us come to hold true. “A leopard doesn't change its spots. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.” These tropes are formed around the principal that our personalities are formed in our early childhood - or that we are born with them. Indeed, western psychology has developed from theories that mental illness is the result of a need that wasnt fulfilled in the first two years of life, or the next stage, or the stage after that. And there is the wisdom that future behaviour is best predicted by past behaviour. Many of us get stuck in circumstantial loops that repeat themselves again and again, and we remain oblivious to them or slightly conscious of them but feeling we are powerless to do anything about them, at the mercy of 'fate'. We don’t believe we can change.
On the other hand, psychology also holds that we can change our thoughts and behaviour. We get double messages. So which do we believe? Let's go with the latter, for now. Let's allow ourselves, for our own sakes, to see that people change. Let's assume that everything is impermanent - that we are inside a human existence inside a universe that is constantly shifting.
Trauma can have the effect of making us feel that we are not the same person anymore. The shift in our worldview following a traumatic shock, a near-death experience or when we find ourselves standing in the rubble of our previous lives is another example of profound change. Recovering our mental health and life infrastructure after a great deal of loss necessarily involves acceptance and courage.
It also means we must learn to stop judging ourselves for our mental pain. It matters not if what happened to us is 'not as bad' as what happened to someone else. It matters not that there are people who go through what we went through without getting PTSD. It doesn't matter that other people judge us as crazy or that we said things when traumatised that we came to regret. What matters is how we move forward from here; from today.
This is where the right therapeutic relationships can help us grow into who we want to be from now on. I say, 'relationships', because I'm not just referring to the counsellor or therapist we develop a therapeutic relationship with, but also the people around us. Trauma can often mean a violent shake-up of our social and professional circles, and we can cling to the people who remain in the hope of saving ourselves from falling into the abyss. Fears of abandonment or rejection, for example, are primal human fears.
Talking our lives through with a compassionate counsellor who doesn't judge us in a confidential context can help us overcome denial. Once we feel safe enough to disclose the secrets of our past, we often feel relief and self-acceptance. We also develop our witness self, and come to realise that what goes on inside our heads is not something over which we ever had control before. We can stop blaming ourselves for our trauma, and start training our brains.
Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy can also teach us to love and accept ourselves more. We become okay with who we are and stop beating ourselves up for our mistakes. Therapy, if we stick with it, not only helps us change our thoughts and behaviour, it helps us grow as human beings. It offers growth in resilience, self-worth, agency and purpose.
This kind of person-centred, mindfulness-based counselling is a core value here at Compassionate Counselling Melbourne. Here, we are committed to giving you unconditional positive regard, and leaving our own biases and beliefs outside the counselling context. We hold our clients with respect, no matter what their gender identity, religious or cultural beliefs. We know that some people just have 'small' problems and just want help in making a decision or dealing with a breakdown in communication. And we also know that your trauma is valid, and that people change.
© Nicki Paull
