Post-Separation Narcissistic Abuse
Image by Rodrigo Curi
Among the many painful ways in which narcissistic abusers continue to cause distress to their ex-partners, ex-friends, ex-employees or children is the smear campaign.
The pain of having our reputation attacked and/or destroyed in our social and professional networks can be a massive burden on top of the shock and sometimes horror of realising that the life we’ve been living was based on deception, coercion, manipulation and exploitation. Or realising that we weren’t loved, respected, cared for and supported, but rather idealised, despised, used and disposed of.
If the narcissist can no longer make us suffer as a result of legal, financial, psychological or other abuse; if they can no longer score regular ‘wins’ by direct exercising of power over us, they will seek gratification by crying crocodile tears. They will reverse the narrative, with them as hapless victim and the survivor as abuser. They will make the survivor ‘wrong’ in as many ways possible, and if necessary, they’ll use their default tactic to do this – lying.
Most often, the abuser will claim (in court, on sworn affidavits, in gossip or on social media and elsewhere) that his/her ex was an alcoholic, drug addled, bad parent/employee who spent the duration of the relationship spending recklessly and never lifted a finger to contribute to shared daily life or the workplace. Reverse Attribution. (Or DARVO, as it is known in traditional family violence parlance – that is Deny, Accuse/Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender).
Some narcissistic abuse experts call this phenomenon, “Narcissistic Projection”, as it is similar to the common human phenomenon of projecting shameful behaviour onto others rather than see our behaviour for what it really is. Psychologists would call this ‘projecting disowned parts of the self’. Jung named those disowned parts as ‘the shadow’. Projection, however, is an unconscious process. With many high-spectrum, low-empathy narcopaths, much of the smear campaign is cruel and deliberate.
My answer to this is: your good character will rescue you from this negative depiction. Those ‘frenemies’ who believe the lies and side with the abuser were never your friends or workplace allies to begin with. This is when you find out who your real friends are. You will lose friends in the Aftermath. You might even lose family, if you were already the Family Scapegoat. More grief. More loss. And while you’re going through it, you might not recognise the liberating aspect of losing false friends until much later.
Suffering over blame, bad reputation, loss and pain are perfectly normal and natural. Usually, we spend our lives wishing, hoping and striving for praise, good repute, gain and pleasure. Mindful Self-compassion offers a lamp in the darkness of the post-abuse tunnel. We can train in becoming our own best friend. Our own clear conscience can become all we need to feel okay when all around us are unfairly blaming us.
The phenomenological opposites of praise and blame, fame and ill repute, gain and loss and pleasure and pain are part of the human experience. In Buddhist Psychology, these are known as the Eight Worldly Concerns.
As we tread the quiet, steady and gentle “middle path” of recovery, we can cultivate equanimity: the ability to stay balanced and calm whichever concern confronts us. We don’t get carried away with wanting and reaching for more of the ‘good’, nor suffer too much anger or misery when confronted with the ‘bad’. We can learn to remain steadfast and stable in the face of betrayal, false accusation and ruptures in friendship, workplace or family.
And if, when deeply traumatised, trapped and despairing, we struggled with reactive maladaptive coping mechanisms (like reactive abuse), we can learn to forgive ourselves in the way we’ve been conditioned to forgive our psychological abuser – time and time again. Self-compassion is the ultimate buffer against the ‘slings and arrows of outrageous fortune’ (Hamlet, Shakespeare).
Using the Western adaptation (with a modern evidence-base) of Buddhist compassion practices researched by Drs Chris Germer and Kristen Neff, Compassionate Counselling Melbourne helps clients train in cultivating the healing inner voice that so many of us in our culture lack.
It’s what every victim-survivor needs.
©Nicki Paull, 2023
