How To Set Boundaries
Image by: Kevin Butz
Women have come a long way in the pursuit of equality and self-empowerment. Yet, many still grapple with the detrimental habits of perfectionism and people-pleasing, which can lead to exhaustion, and anxiety in the aftermath of narcissistic abuse.
One powerful skill that can help us break free from these patterns is the establishment of healthy, flexible boundaries. Let’s explore how survivors can set these boundaries to regain control over their lives, nurture self-esteem, and ultimately lead happier, more authentic lives.
Understanding Perfectionism and People-Pleasing
Before delving into setting boundaries, it's essential to understand the insidious nature of perfectionism and people-pleasing that can be conditioned into us as a direct result of living with a narcissist.
Perfectionism: Perfectionism is the relentless pursuit of flawlessness in all aspects of life. For family-of-origin narcissistic abuse survivors, these habits might have developed as a child as a way to strive for validation, love and praise that never came from the narcissistic parent. It often leads to setting unrealistically high standards for oneself, which can result in chronic stress, self-doubt, and even burnout.
People-Pleasing: People-pleasers tend to prioritize others' needs and expectations over their own. In narcissistic love relationships, pleasing the narcissist and pandering to their whims is a way of avoiding subtle ‘punishment’ or narcissistic rage. This can lead to a pattern of saying 'yes' when we mean 'no,' and overextending ourselves emotionally and physically.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Self-awareness: The first step in setting healthy boundaries is self-awareness. Reflect on your own tendencies towards perfectionism and people-pleasing. Recognize the moments when you've compromised your well-being for others or adopted another’s habit of chasing an unattainable ideal.
Define your values: Determine your core values and priorities. What truly matters to you? Knowing this will help you establish boundaries that align with your authentic self.
Learn to say 'no': One of the most challenging aspects of setting boundaries is learning to say 'no' when necessary. Practice saying it firmly but politely. Remember, it's okay to decline without providing extensive explanations.
Communicate: Polite, factual, neutral. Share your feelings and needs in a clear and respectful manner. Explain your limits and why they are essential for your well-being. Rethink the friendships where you experience backlash from those around you (quite apart from the narcissist).
Set limits for yourself: Establish concrete boundaries by setting limits on your time, energy, and resources. This might include scheduling self-care time, limiting work hours, or declining social commitments when you need rest.
Prioritize self-care: Make self-care a non-negotiable part of your routine. Self-care can include meditation, exercise, reading, or any activity that rejuvenates you physically and emotionally.
Embrace imperfection: Recognize that perfection is an unattainable ideal. Living with someone who believes themselves to be perfect and continually keeps us down can cause us to lose sight of this. Embrace imperfection as a part of being human. Learn to let go of the need for external validation (external referencing) and find validation within yourself (internal referencing).
Seek support: Setting boundaries can be challenging, and it's okay to seek support from the right people or a therapist. They can provide guidance, encouragement, and accountability. If you’re uncertain of who to trust – trust someone who has helped you in the past.
Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. Be forgiving when you fall short of your own expectations. Train in the Mindful Self Compassion modality with your counsellor.
Forgive yourself: Now that you’ve woken up to narcissistic abuse, it’s easy to beat yourself up for being ‘foolish’ or ‘weak’ in falling for the narcissist in the first place. The time has come for you to forgive yourself for not knowing then what you know now.
Remember, setting boundaries is an act of self-love, and it paves the way for a happier, more authentic, and empowered you.
Setting boundaries with people who knew us as doormats or people pleasers can come with backlash.
Nicki Paull & Chat GPT
