Narcissists and Love
Love or Ownership?
When a narcissist or psychopath uses the word, ‘love’, they don’t mean what we mean when we use it. Highly narcissistic people can only relate to the world by how it affects them personally. They also have brain differences which mean their grasp of abstract concepts, like love, is very poor. Love is just a word to them. Survivor stories, and research into coercive controllers reveals their concept of love is closer to our concept of ownership.
Clinicians in this space understand that the major motivating factor for those on the narcissism spectrum is supply. What is meant by ‘supply’? It means the narcissistic person is drawn to another because that person has something they want. That supply could be anything from an endless list of possible needs or wants. The envy is pathological.
What Do You Have That They Want?
Maybe you’re beautiful or young and that older narcissist gets a hit to his/her ego when people see you together. Maybe you’re reputable, powerful or influential, and the narcissist thinks they can ride along on your coattails to achieve that for themselves. Maybe you have a nice house and a secure financial base that will guarantee a stable hub from which the narcissist can pursue their dreams without much more responsibility than taking the bins out.
Maybe they like your cooking, or the way you dress, or sing, or play golf or make a house into a home. Maybe they like your Hippiness, and know that doing yoga, meditating and caring for the Earth will get them kudos and social connections they can exploit if they just mimic your style. Maybe it’s the church you belong to. Or maybe it’s your luxury car, your holiday house or expensive overseas trips, or the fact that you’re out of the house working all hours that fits with their agenda.
This grasping after ‘supply’ extends to everyone they associate with. Often, they amass hordes of fans, each one believing they are ‘the special one’ or one of a chosen few. There’s often caché in being close to a narcissist, since whatever supply they prefer, their reputation is what they work on 24/7. They are experts at appearing as benevolent, humble, generous, brilliant, exceptional, ethical, unique and talented. Plain old neurotypical egos can get a kick out of being close to all that. Bingo! Rusted on fans who turn a blind eye to any undesirable traits they see. We all have our faults, right?
“Most people have no clue hidden abuse is taking place right under their noses. It is being perpetrated by individuals who would never be suspected of being abusers. The concealed nature of this harm is what leaves its targets devastated.”
Hidden Abuse
At work, the person who sidles up to you, steals your ideas and presents them as their own, discredits you with lunchroom gossip, sabotages your project, ingratiates themselves with leadership and rises quickly through the ranks on the backs of other people’s hard work might be the dark personality lurking in so many workplaces. They eliminate anyone they see as competition (by virtue of that person’s conscientiousness and competence). If they can push you right out of the way by getting you sacked, trashing your reputation, they will. No holes barred.
Love is Just a Word for Them
They see what they want, they go after it by any means possible. They usually get it. Then it’s the next thing they chase. The narcissistic drive to have it all, manipulate and exploit other people, things, businesses, nations is never-ending. The narcissistic type is beautifully exemplified in the 2002 film, Catch me If You Can, and many other such stories of fraudsters, free from the fetters of conscience.
It's the same in love. A narcissist will only hang on until all your supply has been exhausted. Afterall, they can discard you and then manipulate the law to get half (or more, if they’re older) of your wealth. It was the Golden Handshake they saw when they first love-bombed you. Usually, they won’t jump off the horse they’re on until another one is galloping alongside. You might have thought you were the ‘one and only’, but they continually cultivate possible replacement suppliers.
Most victim-survivors didn’t see the discard coming. They get the rug pulled right out from under them. Then there are the wise ones who wake up and run, leaving their entire lives behind them. When the controlling narcissist can no longer control you, they will double down on controlling how others see you. After the discard, they will trash your reputation, thereby reversing the blame. The lies will flow like nectar from a poison jar.
When someone you suspect to be on the narcissism spectrum tells you they love you – RUN!
©Nicki Paull
This article was also published in Toorak Times newspaper.
References
Kiehl, K. A., Smith, A. M., Mendrek, A., Forster, B. B., Hare, R. D., & Liddle, P. F. (2004). Temporal lobe abnormalities in semantic processing by criminal psychopaths as revealed by functional magnetic resonance imaging. Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging, 130(3), 297-312. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pscychresns.2004.02.002
