What is Not Narcissism
Image by Alexandru Zdrobău
When You Suspect a Friend
So, you think your friend or family member is a narcissist? A narcissistic disorder is not the only explanation for someone you know who is self-isolating and lashing out in pain and anger, not making any sense, or even telling you lies to get what they need. Narcissistic behaviours are one thing. Disordered narcissism is another, and is characterised by being a trait not a state.
Other things can cause people to behave in self-centred, disorganised, chaotic or maladaptive ways.
Trauma
The most obvious of these many possible causes is trauma. Think of an injured animal. What does it do? It goes away, isolates itself from the pack and licks its own wounds. It won’t go out and hunt with the pack, can’t eat and is snarly and defensive when approached.
Has something happened to the other person you suspect of being a narcissist?
Ask yourself, has this person recently suffered:
significant losses, like a relationship breakdown, job loss, home loss or death of a loved one?
injury (psychological, as well as physical)?
a traumatic medical prognosis, or
too many challenges to cope with one after another?
or, importantly, something you don’t know about?
Could it be that your own behaviour is less supportive and kind than you imagine? Is now the time to ‘be cruel to be kind’ or ‘jolly them up’ or (my favourite common blooper), tell them to “stop playing the victim”? Or maybe even offer a helping hand by providing a solution of your own choosing, with a caveat that if they don’t go along with your rescue plan, then they don’t ‘deserve’ your help? (Offer them a carrot, and if they choose not to take it, bring out the stick?)
Trauma shows up in any number of weird and dreadful ways. But to use a very old-fashioned phrase, if your friend “isn’t in their right mind”, then that’s a pretty clear indication of trauma.
No two individuals will be traumatised in the same way. Trauma can be judged by others as an over-reaction. It can be horror, terror, or immobilised shock along with other extreme and uncomfortable emotions. It sometimes shows up as ‘the straw that broke the camel’s back’ – that is, an apparently small stimulus, like a bingle in a car park, or an incident of sexual harassment, or feedback that attacks the person rather than their skill or competence. A smallish thing. Stress piled one on the other.
Even if your friend is usually resilient and optimistic, a single incident can act like a tripwire that sets of a chain reaction of memories that have been stored in the body and brain for a lifetime. Maybe your friend was rejected or scapegoated by their family? Maybe your friend suffered a rape on campus way back when? Or a natural disaster? Or humiliation by bullies at school? Maybe your friend went through an abusive divorce 20 years ago, and had to rebuild their life from homelessness? Maybe they have an invisible disability that they’ve never told anyone about?
One thing is for sure – when we are suffering acute trauma, PTSD or CPTSD – we are ‘not in our right minds’. Over-reaction to stuff is a normal and natural reaction to abnormal conditions. Self-protection naturally follows.
So, before you diagnose the other person in your life as a narcissist and cancel them, make sure you have first trodden the path of compassion and understanding.
What is Not Compassion and Understanding
Our culture tends to have a ‘get over it’ meme that runs through many human interactions involving suffering. If that’s what we experienced every time we have faced a challenge, it’s all we know. Right? Some families and communities detest and refuse to tolerate any expression of pain or suffering and insist we keep ‘a stiff upper lip’.
Here are some common anti-solutions to avoid:
Deciding what they need, and offering our own solution that they can take or leave.
Deciding what is wrong with them (possibly narcissism) based on how we think they should respond to upheaval.
Telling them what we think is wrong with them and how we think they should behave.
Telling other people what we think is wrong with them and how we think they should behave.
Making our diagnosis based on how we think we would respond in the same circumstances (usually, we give advice based on ideals, not just experience).
Giving them a timeframe in which to recover their losses and regain their composure. “You should be over this by now”.
Giving UP on them when they are still suffering beyond our self-determined timeframe for recovery. PTSD is very hard to beat.
©Nicki Paull
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