Healing the Trauma of Psychological Abuse - Lived Experience Roadmap to a Mindful Recovery

EXCERPT

Some people take gratification from destroying other people’s lives. Hard to believe, isn’t it? It’s especially hard to comprehend when it happens to you, when the person you loved so much you would have given your life for him—your soulmate—walks away (or you flee in fear of your sanity), and you realise he has already taken everything. You gave it to him.

You gave him your heart because you trusted he would treat it with care. You gave him entry to your bank accounts, your past, your secrets, your most vulnerable places because you trusted him. You made him the centre of your world because he wanted you; every bit of you. So you gave him everything slowly, bit by bit. You gave up your career, your friends, your home, or your country. Or you made him partner in your business, gave him control. He promised you would never regret it because he would take such good care of you. He convinced you to stretch your moral boundaries, little by little, in the name of compromise, until you forgot how to say no.

He said all the right things, but somehow his actions didn’t match up with his words. There was a shallowness, a hollowness about him that you couldn’t quite unravel. His seduction had been like no other: euphoric. He said he had never experienced true love like this before. And he had such a sad story. He was handsome, charming, gregarious, glib, and maybe even famous, but he had nothing material. It had all been taken from him by insane, violent, abusive ex-wives and girlfriends. He had given it all to them. That’s why he had to keep divorcing, moving, and swapping jobs, social circles, towns, countries. You believed him. You lent him a helping hand, and loved, loved, loved him, for months or years.

Sometimes, he scared you half out of your wits, so you clung to him for the protection he vowed to give. You gave him the benefit of the doubt every time he swore he’d never do that thing again. You forgave him over and over. And with every concession, you felt smaller and smaller, right out of touch with who you used to be, isolated. He kept asking, and you kept giving, in the hope of getting the things he promised in return. But the return never came. Not yet, anyway. A thousand promises kept you focussed on backing him up, being there for him, making his life easier, picking up the tab, doing what your kind, conscientious, generous heart cried out to do for the man you loved.

And right when you were at your most committed, most invested, he pulled the rug out from under you. You blamed yourself. You could have done more or been kinder, more agreeable, more compliant, skinnier. He said you’d done nothing wrong, there was no one else; it just didn’t work out. He wanted to go away and work on his legacy to the world, without you. Or he said you were crazy, abusive, impossible, needy. It was as if the vows and promises—the ones he made only yesterday—had never happened. As if he didn’t owe you any explanation. As if none of it mattered. As if he didn’t care about you or anything else except what he wanted next. You weren’t his problem anymore.

When you tried to reason with him, he changed into a man you didn’t recognise. As if his mask had dropped. As if aliens had abducted him and returned his body without a heart and soul. As if he were a snake shedding his skin on the rug you carefully chose together. As if he were the wolf emerging from inside his sheep costume, a cold, calculated, emotionless automaton with a grin of satisfaction. Shocking. And the next day, he proclaims his undying love for another woman on Facebook, happy at last.

And slowly, slowly, you come to realise that everything he said right from the very beginning was a lie or lies sandwiched between truths. You have invested everything in his scam. He deliberately broke you. He took everything that was useful to him and left you with nothing, in debt, and with your reputation shredded. Still later, you realise you married a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath. That grin he wore privately? That was pleasure at causing you pain and confusion, at making you weep, at the power and control he had over your heart, your mind, your life. Just like in the movies.

After he abandons you, he does everything in his power to leave you homeless and broke, your spirit broken, and your character impugned. He steals, lies, slanders, perjures, manipulates with impunity, as if your life were his to rape and plunder, while he convinces everyone he is the blameless victim again, the sweetest, nicest, most harmless guy in the world. You feel like he is trying to drive you insane, to suicide.

And later still, when you can’t seem to recover, you realise you have been seriously psychologically and emotionally abused.

To break a woman and call it love

Is nothing short of Evil.

—narcissisticsociopath.net