Trust Issues in The Aftermath of Narcissistic Abuse
Image by: Guillaume de Germain (@guillaumedegermain)
Survivors in the early aftermath, carry with them - understandably- the massive violation of trust that the narcopath inflicted on them. This can have the effect of influencing all their interpersonal relationships whilst in recovery.
In addition to the actual harm of being lied to, stolen from, slandered and misrepresented (as insane, abusive etc) in court and social circles, they will likely have experienced further betrayal, rejection and abandonment by bystanders who blamed them, did nothing to support them or withdrew their support at a point where they felt the survivor should be ‘over it’.
Their reactions to this massive erosion of trust can be carried into relationships with everybody they then encounter. They’ve experienced first-hand the way in which gossip, ignorance and misguided loyalty (for the abuser) inflicts further harm on them. And they can transfer or project those offences onto their whole world for a long time after the break-up. They can read harmful intent behind every act of kindness and care or attempt to ‘jolly them up’ (which plenty of people will do).
Weakened and exhausted by the narcissistic abuse, wrongful blame, loss of self-worth and distorted self-and-other-concept, traumatised survivors can feel like a walking, talking open wound for a very long time after the break up. To them, almost everything can feel like salt to that wound. Ignorant, but common platitudes or attitudes to grief and loss can be misinterpreted as deliberate attacks. This is trauma in action, and is not a permanent condition.
It behoves survivors to remember at this point that we can never really know what another person’s intentions or motivations are. What other people say about us is really none of our business. But we can become highly defensive for a season - assuming the person in front of us also carries the narcissistic, harmful intent of our abuser.
One of the most painful lessons from narcissistic abuse is the shock of discovering that the person in whom we invested the very best of our nature (love, kindness, generosity, loyalty) actually had a narcissistic hidden agenda. Our finest, most pure intentions were used against us in a multitude of ways over time, slowly undermining our own belief in ourselves. The callous disregard shown by our abusers (and for many of us, our families) force our self-worth to rock-bottom. This deep destruction becomes the bedrock on which we must build our new lives.
It’s hardly surprising then, that such sinister and destructive learning conditions have taught us not to trust anyone. Just as fear of all dogs might be an unconscious safety strategy after the experience of a dog attack.
We can easily make the mistake of believing everything we think.
We can read sinister, selfish intent into the speech and actions of everybody, including medical and mental health professionals. For those people, this transference is very rocky ground. The basis of clinical training is the ideal of non-judgemental unconditional positive regard. Navigating client transference of sinister intent onto everything requires considerable skill. Roadblocks to effective treatment are bound to arise. And for survivors, a satisfactory therapeutic relationship can mean an investment of a similar kind that got them into trouble in the first place - namely, trust.
Survivors have possibly learned that sooner or later, everybody is going to hurt them, betray them, ignore them, let them down or abuse them. Often, their unconscious beliefs before the abuse were precisely the opposite - that everybody can be trusted, family and friends will always have their best interests at heart, people will value their precious human qualities. This incongruence can lead to a great deal of confusion and chaotic thinking for a long while after the abuse.
Broadly speaking, people seem to fall into two camps when it comes to trust. There are those who withhold trust, staying distant and cautious, believing that their trust must be earned. Then there are those who tend to extend trust to mostly everyone, and only withdraw it once it has been violated. Of course, there is every shade in between, but it can be useful for survivors of comprehensively broken trust – narcissistic abuse or bullying in the workplace – to recalibrate their Trust Strategy in a way that offers them more self-protection.
Training in Mindfulness of Body and Sensation (the first two foundations of Mindfulness in Buddhist Psychology) can help survivors learn to trust themselves again – a foundation of trauma recovery.
© Nicki Paull
DISCLAIMER: Narcissists are not all male. Using male pronouns to reference the narcissist and female pronouns to reference the victim-survivor is not an indication of the clinical data on gender in narcissism, but rather an editorial choice.
