The Five Commandments of Shame Recovery

Why self-compassion in healing shame?

The power in self-compassion lies in one essential thing: the power to self-soothe, self-affirm, build self-worth without the need for external validation or social approval. 

Know Thyself.                                    

Who am I now?

Be Kind to Thyself.                            

Learn to notice & detach from that inner critic.

Be compassionate with Thyself.       

Learn to be as kind to ourselves as we would a dear friend, a pet or a child.

Forgive Thyself.                                 

We made a mistake. We are human. We can atone and undertake never to make the same mistake again. We did the best we could with what we knew at the time.

Accept Thyself.                                  

Paradoxically, when we can accept ourselves warts & all, that is when we can change.

What are we up against when we decide to embark on a journey to heal our shame with self-compassion?

In a word: DOUBT.

(One of the Five Hindrances in Buddhist Psychology. The others are aversion, attachment, restlessness and sloth)

The Five Misconceptions About Self-Compassion.

When embarking on a journey of learning to be more self-compassionate, the doubts that arise often take the shape of our unkind inner critic – the voice inside our head that searches for every reason there is to blame and berate ourselves.

Self-pity                

It’s easy to judge ourselves as being self-pitying, when in fact we are simply starting to approach our shame with kindness.

Weakness             

Our culture can convince us that anything other than a brave front which denies or suppresses shame is a character weakness.

Selfish                   

Cultural gender-role socialisation can convince us that if we are attending to our own needs before we care for others, we are being selfish.

Self-indulgent       

Keep calm and carry on is a wartime motto we adopted as a cultural imperative. Applying our own oxygen mask in order to help others is a better analogy for self-compassion.

Demotivating        

Fear of becoming weak, vulnerable and undefended can sabotage our efforts to change habits of self-criticism. Ironically, many studies have shown that the carrot is a way better motivator than the stick.

(Adapted from Germer, Neff, 2022)

The Proven Benefits of Learning Self-Compassion

The past few decades have seen academic institutions turn their attention towards the teaching of self-compassion and measuring the effects over time. This is what they have found…

Increased wellbeing                     

Increases in self-reported coping skills, resilience, emotional intelligence, life satisfaction and happiness.

Decreases anxiety, depression, stress, shame        

Reduction in the severity and frequency of anxiety and depressive symptoms.

Improved physical health            

More balance in diet and exercise habits, and improved immune functioning.

More satisfying relationships      

More collaborative and harmonious relationships.

(Ewart, Gaube, Geisler, 2018)

Backdraft

Since “love reveals everything unlike itself” (source unknown), it is normal and natural for uncomfortable emotions to show up when we start to train in Mindful Self Compassion.

Drs Germer and Neff refer to this phenomenon as ‘backdraft’ – a term lifted from fire-fighting to describe the way a fire flares up when it is exposed to oxygen. The same applies to the doors into our psyches. When we open a door onto things that have been suppressed or denied for a long time, it can feel worse before it feels better.

The good news is that the self-compassion itself gives us a newfound ability to cope with discomfort, apply our own oxygen mask and move forward in a genuinely kind way.

This could be the ultimate way to “deal with it”!

© Nicki Paull